Thursday, March 12, 2009

The Guide to Driving in Malaysia

Driving in Malaysia can either be very easy, or it can be hazardous to your life. Some people take multiple driving exams just to boost their confidence before risking their lives on the road.

Before even getting into a vehicle and going somewhere with it, you should be familiar with the various inhabitants of Malaysian roads.

Ah Bengs
How Often Will You Encounter : Very common
Speed : From super slow to super fast
Style of Driving : Retarded
How to Recognize : One of the most easiest signs is to hear for the loud bassy Chinese Techno music that they pump from their stolen subwoofers.

Many of these vehicles comprises of Proton Wiras, Sagas, Gen-2s, Iswaras, Satrias, and sometimes Perdanas. The vehicle would probably have the largest spoiler you've ever seen, bodykits so low that they grind along the road, and exhaust pipes ranging from huge to super huge. If you see one that has a bodykit painted halfway or small exhaust pipes, most probably its an Indian or Malay Ah Beng.

It is recommended that you do not look in the direction of one when passing by, doing so may cause the Ah Beng inside to stare at you angrily while cursing your life

Old People That Are Really Old
How Often Will You Encounter : Not much (Most probably the majority of them are too senile to drive)
Speed : Too slow to measure
Style of Driving : They don't drive, they wait for their cars to slide slowly due to momentum
How to Recognize : Almost any old car that moves really slow.

Young Adults and Office People
How Often Will You Encounter : Pretty much as the same as Ah Bengs
Speed : From fast to faster
Style of Driving : Cutting queues and swerving in and out in traffic
How to Recognize : Cars that you see driving on the emergency lanes and overtaking people using the left lane. They only have 2 goals in life, to irritate other drivers and to get to their destination as fast as possible, whether it may be to rushing to work, or going back home to watch football or drink beer they are constantly trying to find the fastest way to their destination.

People With Mental Disability and Women
How Often Will You Encounter : Around 40% of the time
Speed : Stationary (accident due to make up inside car) to stationary (dreaming)
Style of Driving : They too, do not drive, instead they play with the steering wheel
How to Recognize : These drivers are perhaps the most time-wasting, jam-causing people to ever exist on the road.
They do NOT have basic driving knowledge and do NOT know how to operate a vehicle. Stay clear of them unless you want to give yourself a heart attack or you are already having one, which in that case by all means try to crash your vehicle onto them.

Rich Drivers/Racer
How Often Will You Encounter : Rare
Speed : Faster than light
Style of Driving : Something like Young Adults and Office People
How to Recognize : Your probably won't be able to see one coming. Instead you will feel a slight rumble and seconds later you'll see a tiny speck into the horizon of what looks like a Ferrari or Lamborghini.

If that speck looks like a Proton, then you have encountered a Rich Ah Beng Driver/Racer.

How Often Will You Encounter : Everywhere
Speed : Depends on the weather
Style of Driving : Like trying to commit suicide
How to Recognize : If you can't recognize a motorcyclist you're either blind, retarded or both. Anyways, you can hear these people coming miles away with their exzos make from bamboo. Like mosquitoes, they are hard to kill and causes pain and irritation when they strike.

General Rules of Driving

1. Good drivers never stop moving. The sign of a stationary vehicle is a sign of weakness that other drivers will seek to exploit. If something is stopping your way forward, you should reverse until you have room to move forward and repeat. If you can't even move backwards, you should proceed to get out of the car and run around in circles until you can move your car again.

2. Tailgating is cool. It is proven in scientific tests that tailgating will reduce the friction your car generates thus making it go faster and also saving fuel in the process. Also, sometimes the people in front of you needs some persuasion to get the hell out of the fast lane because he/she is driving like a mentally disabled snail. If he/she still does not move, trying flashing your lights, if he/she STILL does not move, bang him/her in the rear end and escape after his/her car swerves and crashes into the divider and/or other cars.

3. Use the horn. The horn is perhaps one of the most important tool in your car. You should always use the horn in the following situations :

-You want someone to get out of your way
-You want someone to go faster
-You want someone to go slower
-You want someone to stop
-You're hungry
-You're sad
-You're happy
-You're testing out the horn
-You're driving
-Its a Monday (or any other day)

4. Try to predict what other drivers will do. For example :

-Vehicles with right signal light turned on. The vehicle will NEVER turn right but will go left or straight.
-Vehicles with left signal light turned on. The driver accidentally hit the signal indicator or forgot to turn it off.
-Vehicles with no signal light turned on. The vehicle will most probably swerve to the right or left without warning.

5. Talking on the cellphone while driving is also, cool. You will always look cool while talking on the cellphone while driving, no matter your age. This sends out a message to other drivers that you are a experienced driver that can multitask easily and should not be messed with. You will also gain respect with the Ah Bengs and Rich Drivers.

6. If you are in a hurry, don't be afraid to drive fast. It is always understandable to drive like an idiot when you are in a hurry to go somewhere. This includes overtaking overtaking from left or right, going over a divider to save time from U-turning, and flashing your lights repeatedly to indicate that you are really trying to get somewhere.

7. Always go faster than the speed limit allows. The speed limit is there to warn young and inexperienced drivers about the dangers of going too fast, basically its just a rough limit on how fast you can go. But you, as the experienced driver do not need to follow them, for example:
-If the speed limit says 40kmph, its safe to go around 100
-If the speed limit says 80kmph, its safe to go around 150
-Anything above 80kmph means there's no speed limit

The Traffic Light and Road Signs

The traffic light is an invaluable tool in keeping bloodthirsty motorists at bay, read these tips on how to treat them.
Green Light: Go ahead, as fast as possible
Yellow Light: Go a lot faster because it's about to turn red
Red Light: Stop There!! However, it is acceptable to drive through a red light for exceptions like:
-You're in a hurry
-You were in a hurry
-You think you're in a hurry
-You need to floor the accelerator because probably it just turned red or its gonna turn green
-You forgot to step on the brakes
-You've encountered a Polar Bear and its chasing after you
-You're colour blind-You have PMS (Only applies to females and homosexual men)
-The voices in your head commands you to go ahead
-You're about to miss Desperate Housewives on Astro
-You're escaping from terrorists that are bent on killing you
-You need to save the KL Twin Towers from invading mutant hamsters

These are all valid excuses you can use when you are stopped by the traffic police.

How to use road signs to determine the correct path to your destination.

Use these to determine where you want to go, the numbers next to the name of the place means how fast you can go in that city.

Sometimes its really hard to be a good driver....

You are either piss drunk, or high on weed.

That ends our entertainment guide on driving in Malaysia, safe travels!


elims, Chuang Kuang Hong said...

"Use these to determine where you want to go, the numbers next to the name of the place means how fast you can go in that city."

Good one!!! wakakkkaakakka....

Good Guide though... people follow this guide, Malaysia will get another World Record~~!!

And to confirm again---- "MAlaysia Boleh!!!"

wakakkaakka~~~ ^_^

yumiehaven said...

Wow.. Fluent english~ =D

eh, btw, do you know my result edi?

elims, Chuang Kuang Hong said...

Fluent? Sure la.. you know who am i??

lol...protoss borrow your skill for me to "yeng" for while..


You get 5As la... so sombong already jkjk~~

cheetheng lee said...

from KL to ipoh road, got one board says to ipoh, ithink is 90km..then the next one, after like half an hour , says, Ipoh 85..

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